i hate my husband because of his mother

I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. Not My Promise. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. Its not easy, but its necessary. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). Wheres your compassion for that? Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Skyblossom She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship It doesnt have to be living with them (while taking their money, ahem). honeybeenicki Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. The stress that would put on me every day. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. I loved this response! Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. something random will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. My story : . Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. And I can just now stomach pineapple. Of course people are going to judge. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. Dear Wendy As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. The challenge to my marriage. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? Why was that? BLOG. And some of your concerns being naked? Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. However, its just for a short while. Wendy, I think your column was great advice for this letter writer. He's "nice" and "helpful.". The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. . Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. I want to know how messed up the husband is from how shitty of a mother he had. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? . But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. They are inseparable. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. honeybeenicki Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. Its easy to shift blame to others. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. He spends less time at home. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. Never said her solution was good or right. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. However, it doesnt always work like that. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. Is that right? Possibly. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. Good luck. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. You can even lead by replicating some of those times. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? And I still think the LW is being a jerk. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. Seriously. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. I just read your comment again. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. Probably not the last. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. Im with Wendy. Is it normal to hate your husband? What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. something random February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. something random You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. My mom put whiskey on my gums. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? Right now I hate my husband. And even my husband loves having her nearby. Im sympathetic to the LW. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. He talks to his mom about it. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. I agree. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. What Lies Do to a Marriage? At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him.

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