confronting my wife's lover

By When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. I really see no need to address such issue. You haven't mentioned your age. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? Copyright 2004 BREAKING NEWS: I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. At this point, dont focus on rekindling the relationship. Logically, I know she's crazy and was grasping at straws trying to "win." They use tracking devices to keep a tab on the love birds and their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. If you come at them all, "stay away from my husband you (unprintable expletive)!" My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. That said, I would not recommend it and I won't do it again. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you. -- you're going to validate their assumptions. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. The person I have business with is my husband not her-Tobiloba Oko-Oboh. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. 4) If you divorce use infidelity as the reason and DO NOT TELL HER!!! So atleast you have that going for you. You cannot. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. Your identity and who you are has changed. Don't participate in this humiliating game. He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. That is all. How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? So if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger be aware that there are more productive ways to accomplish this (see sothere[. Which leads me to my current conundrum. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. We treat each other differently now. Sorry to say but time to grab a spine and MAN UP. I dont feel like a chump (well maybe I did momentarily) No, I am someone who acted on the prompting of the Holy Spirit, I can hold my head high and know that I acted with strength and dignity, keeping my burden light. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years was just too painful for me to admit. He was old, ugly, and weak. Do talk to her about the situation. We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. No kids? You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need You deserve much better than this. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. WebI confronted my wife's lover the morning after I found out. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. I thought to myself - how on earth can I be sued she will be telling me the truth and not manipulating the situation. How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. For me, it has helped immensely. For #1, your marriage might end up working out. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) They didnt decide to wreck your marriage. In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. Then I ghosted. My mistake was I kept responding, and begging my husband to make her stop. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. Tough! What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. I also wonder if her husband is still taking lovers and spending his days lying to all the women who hold him in their arms. I feel that it is great that you do the same . She knew I existed. I wonder if you read the replies there. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. I sent it to his Dr.s office. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. I also told Without her in it. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. WTF!!! Please log in OR register. You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. I attempted to make him feel guilty for treating my wife like a cheap tramp and explained to him that, unlike him, I loved her and would take care of her., etc., etc., etc. Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. This article originally appeared on YourTango. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. Theyre simply taking the opportunity that came their way from your wife. Wow. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. She went for sympathy from her ex-husband as well as mine. My wife affaired waaay down. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. lol. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. So, making contact and receiving well deserved apologies helped bring closure to this chapter in the affair and hopefully help in the healing process of my marriage. I did learn some details from his wife after her conversations with him, however, that my wife had been lying about, which was helpful. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. Hi Jeff. Youre both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. Amazing. You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. Get a lawyer and get this over with and move on. It's ours. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. much easier to start than they are to stop. I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. Thanks everyone for your messages. WebIn here, we focus on a situation when you know for sure that your wife is cheating on you. 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